Friday - I took the day off from work - I have been travelling way too much and many things have been weighing on my mind. Then... the pin that popped the balloon (and it seems so tiny in retro-spect) - I got a letter from a neighbor that said I was "selfish." (Because we had trimmed our bushes and didn't do a good job cleaning the street.) Honestly - I lost it. I was crying uncontrollably. I took a shower and could barely stand from the emotions.
As this was happening I was arguing with Joshua about taking the car - he wanted to just "have" it for the night and not thinking about the other 3 people in the house that may need to go somewhere.
Somewhere along the line - I composed myself. Took the boys to dinner and afterward - wrote a list...
The list is of what I feel I am failing at. I have this overwelming feeling of failure in so many things it is difficult to see anything else. As I sit here - I realize I doubt anyone sees how it is emotionally affecting me. I spend much of my time just holding it together - like broken pieces of a puzzle.
Here is the list:
- Alex may not graduate - we recently got a letter saying because he had a failing grade last semester that he was in jeopardy. He swears he is taking care of this. What hits my gut is - that I (wrongly) looked at other parents thinking how could they let their child fail? I have failed my son by not being a good enough parent.
- Paying for Josh's Football camp - so in the midst of my trying to be better with money - a memo from the school is left on my desk at home for $340. Money is always a stressor. I am failing at being better with my money or I would already have it saved.
- I have not saved or figured out how to pay for my sons' college. Parent failure again
- Going to college myself. All the openings for betterment here at work seem to require me to get a degree - something I have known for a long time and haven't done anything about.
- Dieting - good lord why can't I stick to a healthier eating regimen. It just shouldn't be that hard nor should I be this lazy.
- Saving Money - again, I gamble too often, eat out too much, buy random crap. I even have an excel spreadsheet that tells me exactly what I should be saving, spending and yet I do stupid things.
- I feel I fail as a "wife" - I know the feminists out there would cringe but really the house cleaning - that whole "perfectly spotless" thing - I just can't seem to do it. I try - but the best I can do is 'good enough'. And it isn't as though Darren has EVER complained - it is just one of those things that bothers me.
- Although I love to cook - I get so lazy. I frequently don't make dinner - not nearly as often as I should. Another "wifely" failure.
- I am selfish. I fail so many of my friends by not reaching out to stay in contact. To be that 'friend.' I look to save money for my own benefit - go on trips etc instead of things like pay for my sons' football camp...
- Although mentioned before - I fail getting promoted at work
- As a supervisor - there is so much more I could be doing. I could be doing better.
- I travelled so much I feel like I don't know my sons nor have an impact on their being. So when they are selfish, or talking back...I feel I failed them as a parent.
I know I need a plan. That is how I deal with things - unfortunately I am in that mind set that I may fail the plan. I am also not posting this for pity or attention. Just trying to get what is fogging my head out. I am sure as I hopefully work through the list - I will keep the updates here. The weight is heavy on my mind. I have avoiding discussing this in front of the boys or Darren or in any public place - a couple people have called and that is why I just say "fine".
1 comment:
Sharon!! You are a perfectly normal 30-something woman in America!! I don't have kids so I can't identify with feeling like I've failed at being a Mom...I failed TO BE a Mom which I had always planned on doing but I had my own agenda that went first. (selfish?) I feel the same way you do about SO many things! Let me share with you some of the things I've done to combat these feelings of frustration, futility, and failure.
1) MEDICATION! I know a lot of people are against it but it is really hard to find solutions in your life when you are constantly on the verge of tears. A good, low dose anti-depressant and a low dose anti-anxiety medication (Zoloft and Xanax for me) will give you the emotional fortitude you need to change things to improve your life. Then you can get back off of them.
2)THERAPY! Again, I know some people are against it but if you can find a therapist that "gets you" you will have a safe place you can go to get things off of your chest, say things you would never otherwise say out loud and find solutions to problems that seem too large to handle alone.
3)BLOODWORK! Like it or not, we are in that age group where all KINDS of weird things can happen to our bodies. Remember what I told you about finding that my Vitamin D was in the dumps? It's really making a difference in my life. And as a side note if your doctor recommends that you get checked for sleep apnea, do it! I had no idea that I had it (mild) and the CPAP machine has made a complete difference in my life, even with things like being more focused and handling stress better!
4)To lose that weight and keep it off you have to change the way you THINK! A friend of mine recommended "The Beck Diet Solution" by Judith S. Beck for me. She read this book, lost 75 pounds, has kept it off for more than 6 years and is now a personal trainer! It completely changed her life. I am in the middle of it right now and already it is changing mine.
5)This last thing is the hardest for me, I really struggle with this daily, especially since I haven't been working in the last year. Keeping a perfectly clean house is next to impossible! Especially when you have so much testosterone in your house! Stop being so hard on yourself and ACCEPT, OR EVEN DEMAND HELP WITH THE HOUSEWORK!!!! You work super hard and you are away a lot! Everyone else in the house should be pitching in! You don't have to do it yourself. I suffer from the same attitudes about homemaking. I want to be a "50s wife" but it just doesn't work!
In closing, let me just remind you that you have teenagers. If you were home all the time, you would just be starkly aware of how much time teenagers spend avoiding their parents. You would probably spend as much time with them as you do now with your busy schedule. I promise!
I love you my friend and if you ever need to scream and cry at someone who understands, I'm here for you!
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