Next step in the plan

I actually feel really good today. I had a really busy weekend, of course it always helps to be busy so I don't have to think too intently on things. I will give the story of the weekend so that I can get to how I have made progress on the plan.

Friday night I went to see Avengers with my friend Lori and her work. We started by having dinner at Yard House - it was delicious of course. (Granted not really within my budget nor the diet plan :) ) Then we went to The Avengers! OMG - I loved this movie. Friday was a great fun night.

Saturday - I was moving a bit slow on Saturday but managed to do the grocery shopping and get it home. I changed clothes quickly, did hair and make up then met up with Lori and her sister for our Derby/Cinco day! We started the day with lunch at Hash House a Go Go - I was a little disappointed in my selection - the HUGE pork loin was way too big for the bun and honestly had little flavor. (I had them bring blue cheese dressing so I could dip the pork loin into it. I didn't eat the bun.) Then we headed over to South Point to watch the Kentucky Derby in the Sports area. We met up with Maria and Thuy and had a couple drinks and cheered on our horses. When it was over we parted with Maria and Thuy and headed to Mi Casa at the Silverton. We had drinks at the bar and met up with Potokar. (Jennifer) We had a great time laughing and chatting then ate in their restaurant ($5 for 3 tacos and 2 Coronas) and chatted and laughed some more. I was so exhausted that I was home by 9p and went straight to bed.

Sunday - I got up and lounged a lot :) I did make chili - let it stew all day in the crock pot. I made my own "roasted" beets, and then served at dinner with the chili, a roasted beet, walnut, blue cheese salad. All so good. I worked on a quilt that I started before China.

So why I feel I made a step toward the plan - I worked on the quilt, I have plans to make several meals this week. (The chili kicked it off.) I plan on continuing to work on the quilt. I want to do at least a "row" a day - which I should be able to do even more than that but at least that. I put chores on the refrigerator white board for the boys. I feel pretty good about it.

Part of the plan I am still not doing well at? Money of course... I gambled a bit and of course meals aren't cheap. But again I have set my mind to making more meals and do less gambling.

I forwarded Darren an email I got from Texas de Brazil for Mother's Day. He got my hint - we are going on Sunday :)

May 4th, made it through May Day

so here is my update. Boy has this blog changed from shopping to dieting to mental problems good grief!

As I had mentioned before I am a "plan" kind of girl.

The plan so far - I have reworked the finances. The money is tight over the next month and a half.

•  As for Josh's Football - he has a "lift-a-thon" where he can raise money for it. I am not sure if it will cover it. So I will have to see if I have to some how do some kind of side work to make it up. (Or he will :) )
• Boys' college - unfortunately I am at a time where I think we are going to have to consider loans and grants. So this is one area where I just have to accept that I can't change it.
• In the rework of the finances and reviewing my excel spreadsheet - I have ensured the "savings" part of it. And feel a little better toward how things are - but need to stick to plan.

• Wifely things - I made several meals this week - that actually made me feel better. I do love to cook.
• Cleaning... well I haven't done anything on this one. I need to just set up a day to do a good cleaning and get back to chore lists.

• Boys - well... there are moments. Especially with Josh and Erik where I feel maybe, just maybe I am "good" with them. The boys are my weakness. I love them so much that my heart breaks so easy with them. Who knew having children would be a woman's Achilles heal!? We are so strong about everything else... until they come along.

• Me... dieting, college, selfishness. still working on it. Maybe still selfishly... I am looking at a couple "me" trips. Camping in June with my girlfriends and an all inclusive with another girlfriend in October.
• We are of course planning the Disney trip before Christmas this year - just not sure how exactly yet.

Now there is always the concern that I won't stick to "the plan." I have been so great at sticking to plans before. *hear sarcasm there*

I have heard excellent advice from my dear friends and family. to be honest... and why not be honest here this is me right... I am not ready for counselling or medication (multiple people had these suggestions). Maybe I should be because when I thought over those suggestions I freaked out even more.

So there you have the first update toward returning to my working mental state.

Almost May Day

Some of you may have seen my FB message about having a bit of a mental breakdown. And since not many people read this I feel safe to put what was going on here instead of FB... part of me is opposed to sharing my mental problems - it's like whining in a public forum. GAH I just shouldn't but it helped just to write on a piece of paper so I am hoping putting this out there will help even more.

Friday - I took the day off from work - I have been travelling way too much and many things have been weighing on my mind. Then... the pin that popped the balloon (and it seems so tiny in retro-spect) - I got a letter from a neighbor that said I was "selfish." (Because we had trimmed our bushes and didn't do a good job cleaning the street.) Honestly - I lost it. I was crying uncontrollably. I took a shower and could barely stand from the emotions.

As this was happening I was arguing with Joshua about taking the car - he wanted to just "have" it for the night and not thinking about the other 3 people in the house that may need to go somewhere.

Somewhere along the line - I composed myself. Took the boys to dinner and afterward - wrote a list...

The list is of what I feel I am failing at. I have this overwelming feeling of failure in so many things it is difficult to see anything else. As I sit here - I realize I doubt anyone sees how it is emotionally affecting me. I spend much of my time just holding it together - like broken pieces of a puzzle.

Here is the list:

• Alex may not graduate - we recently got a letter saying because he had a failing grade last semester that he was in jeopardy. He swears he is taking care of this. What hits my gut is - that I (wrongly) looked at other parents thinking how could they let their child fail? I have failed my son by not being a good enough parent.
• Paying for Josh's Football camp - so in the midst of my trying to be better with money - a memo from the school is left on my desk at home for $340. Money is always a stressor. I am failing at being better with my money or I would already have it saved.
• I have not saved or figured out how to pay for my sons' college. Parent failure again
• Going to college myself. All the openings for betterment here at work seem to require me to get a degree - something I have known for a long time and haven't done anything about.
• Dieting - good lord why can't I stick to a healthier eating regimen. It just shouldn't be that hard nor should I be this lazy.
• Saving Money - again, I gamble too often, eat out too much, buy random crap. I even have an excel spreadsheet that tells me exactly what I should be saving, spending and yet I do stupid things.
• I feel I fail as a "wife" - I know the feminists out there would cringe but really the house cleaning - that whole "perfectly spotless" thing - I just can't seem to do it. I try - but the best I can do is 'good enough'. And it isn't as though Darren has EVER complained - it is just one of those things that bothers me.
• Although I love to cook - I get so lazy. I frequently don't make dinner - not nearly as often as I should. Another "wifely" failure.
• I am selfish. I fail so many of my friends by not reaching out to stay in contact. To be that 'friend.' I look to save money for my own benefit - go on trips etc instead of things like pay for my sons' football camp...
• Although mentioned before - I fail getting promoted at work
• As a supervisor - there is so much more I could be doing. I could be doing better.
• I travelled so much I feel like I don't know my sons nor have an impact on their being. So when they are selfish, or talking back...I feel I failed them as a parent.

So there is the list I wrote on a notebook at stop lights that night. As things creep up - I tend to say there is another...

I know I need a plan. That is how I deal with things - unfortunately I am in that mind set that I may fail the plan. I am also not posting this for pity or attention. Just trying to get what is fogging my head out. I am sure as I hopefully work through the list - I will keep the updates here. The weight is heavy on my mind. I have avoiding discussing this in front of the boys or Darren or in any public place - a couple people have called and that is why I just say "fine".

After Easter Week

Last week started well and ended poorly in regards to eating. My sister, Shawn, my son, Erik, and I visited Dad in Yuma. I ate way too much. It didn't help that Aunt Flo was visiting and making me SUPER hungry. I won't recap everything - just know there was lots of cheese involved. And one morning a chicken fried steak GAH!

I have begun a 1200 calorie vegetarian diet today. So far here is where I am at:

Breakfast - 1/2 grapefruit (50 calories) with Splenda, plain cheerios (w/splenda) (100 calories) with 1/2 cup almond milk (35 for a whole cup - so 17). I split the milk between my cereal and my coffee. So breakfast was 167 calories.

Snack - 2 clementines - 70 calories

Lunch: 110 calorie Everything bagel thin, roasted veggies - red pepper (6 calories), Eggplant (10 calories), red onion (4 calories), yellow squash (approx 8 calories), 2 - marinated artichoke quarters (25 cal) - 153 calories I brushed them with a bit of olive oil and did them on the griddle. so maybe 170 total

I also had a salad with greens a cup maybe cup and half - (16) and small (tablespoon or less of) garbonzo beans (14), red onion (<4), black olives (10), sunflower seeds (approx 30), celery (4 little kernals - 0), carrots (7), water chestnuts (10). I put less than a teaspoon of olive oil (40 cal) and about a tablespoon of basalmic (10 cal) on it. 141 calories total

1 plum - 30 calories, 1 cup of mandarins in juice (didn't drink the juice) 50 calories

So shockingly - I am at 628 calories.

I plan on making the EatingWell.com recipe for Roasted Red Peppers Stuffed with Kale and Rice - 171 calories and a fruit. And I am about to grab a 100 calorie popcorn :)

Another step to a new me... I hope!

April and the food delima

I thought I had updated this since Saturday but apparently not. Sorry about that. Let's see where was I... oh yes Saturday...

Saturday - I took the boys to breakfast before our housecleaning. I was very proud of myself as I ordered oatmeal and only had the raisins and 1/2 the brown sugar scoop. I added splenda and called it good. We went home and cleaned all of downstairs and most of upstairs. So I treated them to a movie (they went to see Hunger Games and I went to see Mirror Mirror.) Then we went to lunch. And well had I known... I would have done better. We went to Steak and Shake. I ordered their double with cheese - their meat is VERY thin - so actually when I did look it up - it was 440 calories. Which really... had I ONLY had that - it would have been ok. But no... I had the fries and then a shake too (which I didn't drink all of.) I don't even like their shakes (they are kind of grainy - like they don't use real ice cream.)

Lunch was very late - we got home about 4p, then I did the grocery shopping. By the time all was completed - I had a couple clementines and called it a day. (So no real "dinner" to make up for the ridiculous lunch.)

Sunday - I had a 110 cal bagel w 1/8 cup of egg beaters (1/4 = 30 cal, 1/8 = 15 - I just don't like egg that much) I put in onion and spinich. I took my car in for an oil change and got two new tires. I also got my toes and eyebrows done. Then went home, had lunch - a 100 cal bagel w/ 2 thin ham slices (approx 20 cal) and 1 oz of rotissere chicken w/o skin = 30 cal with red onion and brown mustard and cantalope and a 100 calorie latte flavored ice cream bar. Then I cleaned my room and bathroom. Afterwards - I treated myself to Bingo :)

And another set back... I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and after my wanderings I was too late to make meatloaf. So I stopped at McDonald's on the way home. I got a burger no fries. 490 calories YIKES! I had some more cantalope.

That brings me to Monday. I had a 110 everything bagel w/ 1/8 cup egg, spinch, onion and 1 pre-cooked bacon slice (18 cal) chopped up and 1/2 a grapefruit.
Snack - 2 clementines
Lunch - we had Mimi's - I had their Grilled Vegetable Flatbread Wrap - 475 calories
Snack - 100 cal popcorn and a plum
Dinner - Homemade Meatloaf (350), mashed potatoes (130), green beans and bread (250). (unfortuantely with a bit more butter than I should have.)

That catches us up so far. I do so well for breakfast now to get it through the rest of the day.

I have chatted with a friend of mine who is Vegan (only because she is allergic to dairy and well never really liked meat anyway) - anyway... I am researching and thinking of attempting a vegetarian diet. If I am going to do this though - I want to be in the right mind set. So "attempting" is obviously not the right mind set. So I will keep looking up recipes and nutritional information before I commit.

Let me know you are out there. I really appreciate the feed back. I can't do this without you. Also let me know if you want to see anything else here. I could work on the "random" thoughts again :D