Almost May Day

Some of you may have seen my FB message about having a bit of a mental breakdown. And since not many people read this I feel safe to put what was going on here instead of FB... part of me is opposed to sharing my mental problems - it's like whining in a public forum. GAH I just shouldn't but it helped just to write on a piece of paper so I am hoping putting this out there will help even more.

Friday - I took the day off from work - I have been travelling way too much and many things have been weighing on my mind. Then... the pin that popped the balloon (and it seems so tiny in retro-spect) - I got a letter from a neighbor that said I was "selfish." (Because we had trimmed our bushes and didn't do a good job cleaning the street.) Honestly - I lost it. I was crying uncontrollably. I took a shower and could barely stand from the emotions.

As this was happening I was arguing with Joshua about taking the car - he wanted to just "have" it for the night and not thinking about the other 3 people in the house that may need to go somewhere.

Somewhere along the line - I composed myself. Took the boys to dinner and afterward - wrote a list...

The list is of what I feel I am failing at. I have this overwelming feeling of failure in so many things it is difficult to see anything else. As I sit here - I realize I doubt anyone sees how it is emotionally affecting me. I spend much of my time just holding it together - like broken pieces of a puzzle.

Here is the list:

• Alex may not graduate - we recently got a letter saying because he had a failing grade last semester that he was in jeopardy. He swears he is taking care of this. What hits my gut is - that I (wrongly) looked at other parents thinking how could they let their child fail? I have failed my son by not being a good enough parent.
• Paying for Josh's Football camp - so in the midst of my trying to be better with money - a memo from the school is left on my desk at home for $340. Money is always a stressor. I am failing at being better with my money or I would already have it saved.
• I have not saved or figured out how to pay for my sons' college. Parent failure again
• Going to college myself. All the openings for betterment here at work seem to require me to get a degree - something I have known for a long time and haven't done anything about.
• Dieting - good lord why can't I stick to a healthier eating regimen. It just shouldn't be that hard nor should I be this lazy.
• Saving Money - again, I gamble too often, eat out too much, buy random crap. I even have an excel spreadsheet that tells me exactly what I should be saving, spending and yet I do stupid things.
• I feel I fail as a "wife" - I know the feminists out there would cringe but really the house cleaning - that whole "perfectly spotless" thing - I just can't seem to do it. I try - but the best I can do is 'good enough'. And it isn't as though Darren has EVER complained - it is just one of those things that bothers me.
• Although I love to cook - I get so lazy. I frequently don't make dinner - not nearly as often as I should. Another "wifely" failure.
• I am selfish. I fail so many of my friends by not reaching out to stay in contact. To be that 'friend.' I look to save money for my own benefit - go on trips etc instead of things like pay for my sons' football camp...
• Although mentioned before - I fail getting promoted at work
• As a supervisor - there is so much more I could be doing. I could be doing better.
• I travelled so much I feel like I don't know my sons nor have an impact on their being. So when they are selfish, or talking back...I feel I failed them as a parent.

So there is the list I wrote on a notebook at stop lights that night. As things creep up - I tend to say there is another...

I know I need a plan. That is how I deal with things - unfortunately I am in that mind set that I may fail the plan. I am also not posting this for pity or attention. Just trying to get what is fogging my head out. I am sure as I hopefully work through the list - I will keep the updates here. The weight is heavy on my mind. I have avoiding discussing this in front of the boys or Darren or in any public place - a couple people have called and that is why I just say "fine".

After Easter Week

Last week started well and ended poorly in regards to eating. My sister, Shawn, my son, Erik, and I visited Dad in Yuma. I ate way too much. It didn't help that Aunt Flo was visiting and making me SUPER hungry. I won't recap everything - just know there was lots of cheese involved. And one morning a chicken fried steak GAH!

I have begun a 1200 calorie vegetarian diet today. So far here is where I am at:

Breakfast - 1/2 grapefruit (50 calories) with Splenda, plain cheerios (w/splenda) (100 calories) with 1/2 cup almond milk (35 for a whole cup - so 17). I split the milk between my cereal and my coffee. So breakfast was 167 calories.

Snack - 2 clementines - 70 calories

Lunch: 110 calorie Everything bagel thin, roasted veggies - red pepper (6 calories), Eggplant (10 calories), red onion (4 calories), yellow squash (approx 8 calories), 2 - marinated artichoke quarters (25 cal) - 153 calories I brushed them with a bit of olive oil and did them on the griddle. so maybe 170 total

I also had a salad with greens a cup maybe cup and half - (16) and small (tablespoon or less of) garbonzo beans (14), red onion (<4), black olives (10), sunflower seeds (approx 30), celery (4 little kernals - 0), carrots (7), water chestnuts (10). I put less than a teaspoon of olive oil (40 cal) and about a tablespoon of basalmic (10 cal) on it. 141 calories total

1 plum - 30 calories, 1 cup of mandarins in juice (didn't drink the juice) 50 calories

So shockingly - I am at 628 calories.

I plan on making the EatingWell.com recipe for Roasted Red Peppers Stuffed with Kale and Rice - 171 calories and a fruit. And I am about to grab a 100 calorie popcorn :)

Another step to a new me... I hope!

April and the food delima

I thought I had updated this since Saturday but apparently not. Sorry about that. Let's see where was I... oh yes Saturday...

Saturday - I took the boys to breakfast before our housecleaning. I was very proud of myself as I ordered oatmeal and only had the raisins and 1/2 the brown sugar scoop. I added splenda and called it good. We went home and cleaned all of downstairs and most of upstairs. So I treated them to a movie (they went to see Hunger Games and I went to see Mirror Mirror.) Then we went to lunch. And well had I known... I would have done better. We went to Steak and Shake. I ordered their double with cheese - their meat is VERY thin - so actually when I did look it up - it was 440 calories. Which really... had I ONLY had that - it would have been ok. But no... I had the fries and then a shake too (which I didn't drink all of.) I don't even like their shakes (they are kind of grainy - like they don't use real ice cream.)

Lunch was very late - we got home about 4p, then I did the grocery shopping. By the time all was completed - I had a couple clementines and called it a day. (So no real "dinner" to make up for the ridiculous lunch.)

Sunday - I had a 110 cal bagel w 1/8 cup of egg beaters (1/4 = 30 cal, 1/8 = 15 - I just don't like egg that much) I put in onion and spinich. I took my car in for an oil change and got two new tires. I also got my toes and eyebrows done. Then went home, had lunch - a 100 cal bagel w/ 2 thin ham slices (approx 20 cal) and 1 oz of rotissere chicken w/o skin = 30 cal with red onion and brown mustard and cantalope and a 100 calorie latte flavored ice cream bar. Then I cleaned my room and bathroom. Afterwards - I treated myself to Bingo :)

And another set back... I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and after my wanderings I was too late to make meatloaf. So I stopped at McDonald's on the way home. I got a burger no fries. 490 calories YIKES! I had some more cantalope.

That brings me to Monday. I had a 110 everything bagel w/ 1/8 cup egg, spinch, onion and 1 pre-cooked bacon slice (18 cal) chopped up and 1/2 a grapefruit.
Snack - 2 clementines
Lunch - we had Mimi's - I had their Grilled Vegetable Flatbread Wrap - 475 calories
Snack - 100 cal popcorn and a plum
Dinner - Homemade Meatloaf (350), mashed potatoes (130), green beans and bread (250). (unfortuantely with a bit more butter than I should have.)

That catches us up so far. I do so well for breakfast now to get it through the rest of the day.

I have chatted with a friend of mine who is Vegan (only because she is allergic to dairy and well never really liked meat anyway) - anyway... I am researching and thinking of attempting a vegetarian diet. If I am going to do this though - I want to be in the right mind set. So "attempting" is obviously not the right mind set. So I will keep looking up recipes and nutritional information before I commit.

Let me know you are out there. I really appreciate the feed back. I can't do this without you. Also let me know if you want to see anything else here. I could work on the "random" thoughts again :D